The Marriage of Total Grief and Total Joy

We are told throughout our lives to believe that our emotions have power over us. We learn that if we are, for instance, sad or depressed or grief-stricken, then this emotion is solid and real and it has the capacity to rule us for as long as we are wrapped in it. We are also led to believe that two opposing emotions cannot coexist at the same time. So, say for instance, one could not possibly feel great sadness and great happiness at the same time, as those two solid and substantial states would necessarily crowd one another out.

I now know from my own direct experience that all of this is completely untrue.

Recently I was waiting to go up to speak to about seventy lovely friends, and five minutes before that talk was to begin, I was given the unexpected news that a dear friend, a lovely young person full of kindness and compassion, had died suddenly. For a moment I simply stood there in shock with my hands clasped over my face. The grief came pouring in and I was totally absorbed by it. I felt all the deepest feelings welling up, and I was about to break into tears. But I also recognized that I would need to be at rest with this flood of emotion, because I would be momentarily addressing people who had not yet heard the news and that this was not the proper time to inform them.

I recollected myself, stood quietly for a minute and let everything be as it is. I then went up front to the stage, trembling with emotion as I sat down in the chair in front of a sea of wondering faces. When it was my turn to speak, I had no idea what I would say. However, all of a sudden a vivid image came into my head: the lovely lupine flowers that we have beside the roadside in summer. I spoke of how when the lupines are picked and placed in a vase, they still have the life and intelligence to move towards to sun, separating themselves from one another to give each stem enough space to grow. I described how these flowers, like all the seasonal flowers, had a time of life and then they died. The metaphorical relationship between the flowers and what had happened with our young friend was very present for me, and I was engulfed by intense grief.

But then, as I just sat there and let the emotions wash over me, I could see that grief was not the only thing present, even if it was overwhelmingly present. Simultaneous to the grief and equally at hand was an awe-inspiring joy and gratitude. I could not say that the joy and gratitude was for anything in particular, but there it was in equal measure to the crushing grief.

How could this be? I was not in a position just then to figure it out, and thank goodness for that. Instead, I was in a very auspicious instant of total clarity, watching something quite extraordinary happen: two tremendous feelings that I had never experienced at one time together were totally and completed wedded to one another in that precious moment.

We completed the talk, and I think that it is fair to say that I came off that stage a different person from the one who went up to it. I had seen, in my own direct experience, that the names for emotions don’t matter. Whatever description we give to things, it is all one incredibly beneficial energy flowing in a marvelous and miraculous way. Once this is seen, then it is also seen that there is nothing to be avoided and nothing to be afraid of. Life in all its glory is ever-present in the here and now, and it is only our descriptions that distract us from that gift.

I am reminded of an ancient teaching which I will paraphrase here: Wisdom is not difficult for those who have no preferences. When love and hate are both absent, everything becomes clear and undisguised. Make the smallest distinction, however, and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart. If we wish to see the truth, then hold no opinions for or against anything. To set up what you like against what you dislike is merely the play of the mind. When the deep meaning of things is not understood, the mind’s essential peace is disturbed to no avail. Be serene in the oneness of things, and such erroneous views will disappear by themselves. With a single stroke we are freed from bondage.

Yes, It's Christmas

Yes, it’s Christmas. Pause, and come home. Look up and see what is there all the time. Appreciate and value what is worth valuing. Know that what is right and good is not far away. Wait a second before being disappointed; sense the magnificence that hovers over each moment.

A year has passed, what was in it? No regrets, no worries. Present wherever we are, we look one another right in the eye and see what is before us without cloud. Simplicity and humility are sustained—no gross materialism can enter here.

Visits...arranged. Chocolates...consumed. Friendships...deepened. Family...treasured. Love…evoked.

Knowing what is most beautiful, we are not distracted. We bring kindness where kindness has long been absent. We understand without confusion what this day is meant to teach. We unfold into a world that includes all beings within it. We move effortlessly into a boundless benefit that has no reason.

Preach the gospel always; if necessary, use words.

Memory Sticks

How fun it is to play with language and to see all the subtleties that can be discovered if we just pay a little bit of attention. We are so accustomed to viewing things from only one angle, but if we are able to come at things in a slightly different way, no telling how many diverse meanings can be found!

The other day I went out to the store to buy a memory stick for my computer, and while I was standing there looking at the advertising display, I had one of those odd little insights that comes now and again from out of the blue.

I have long known “memory sticks” to be data storage devices, but for some reason, in a moment of deflected attention, I saw the phrase in a completely new way. It was such a sudden and unexpected twist on a common phrase that I had to smile to myself. In that moment “memory stick” did not refer to data storage but to how our memory stays with us. We have a thought or experience, we then remember it as part of the flow of our lives, and then the memory sticks—-it stays with us and is held by the mind.

At one level, yes of course, it is great that we have this ability that is so painfully lacking in people with dementia or Alzheimer’s disease. We can remember what occurred when we went to the store to buy the memory stick because the memory stuck, and we can remember many of the experiences we have had over the course of our lives because those memories stuck as well.

We have these memories that remain in our minds, and that is all well and good, but then usually something less useful happens: we apply judgments to those memories. We call some good and some bad and others are judged to be merely neutral.

From these judgments we often derive conclusions about ourselves and our overall experience: “Oh, yeah, so many of my relationships have failed. So, the next one should fail too. I have messed up so badly so many times; I am just a person who messes up,” or, “I have undergone so much, and I know that life is sad and unfair,” or conversely “That was so great for me, and it needs to happen again or something is wrong.” You get the picture: a past memory can be stuck in us so firmly that it shapes and influences our present experience. Now, surely that is one disadvantage of memory sticking.

But there is another way. What if we let the data flow on by without grabbing it or categorizing it? What a different life we would have: we would still have the gift of memory, but it would not be a held memory that clouds the perspective. From a vantage of childlike wonder we would see everything without prejudice and with wide open eyes. We would be free in a most fundamental way, because each moment of life would be filled with effortlessness and ease. Our intentions and actions would be unbiased and our way forward undistracted.

I am so very honored to be able to say that I have met people who demonstrate this choice. I know for sure that what I have described is not merely theoretical but is the actual lived expression of amazing people.

For all intents and purposes, these people look the same as the rest of us; they dress like us, speak like us and have normal human experiences like us, but what sets them apart is the choice that they make. It is a simple choice, one that all of us can make: to not get stuck in memories or anywhere else. Because of their clarity and simplicity, they may actually have prodigious powers of recall and can remember specific details of events long past, but they are not bound by any of it.

I know from my own experience what a joy it is to be in the presence of someone in whom memory is not stuck. Each moment is rich and profound for them, unfettered by confusion. When they see anyone or anything, they see only the shining essence. They are totally present and fully engaged with life in all its many manifestations. They bathe in a love that is ever present, and they willingly share that love with all the world. They are not distracted by any of the labels conjured up by memory. When they speak, it is with an authority that no position could provide.

Now, while I have described a type of person that is not yet often seen in the world, the freedom of choice to not be stuck in memory is available to all of us, with none excluded, and more and more it WILL be the choice that is made. For short moments, many times, over and over again, we can rely on our own native intelligence, acquiring experiences and memories as we move through life, but not allowing ourselves to be limited by any of them.

In this way, that memory stick in our pocket can carry a reminder of a way of life that will take us beyond memory.

Contentment

This past weekend I was visiting with my sister and her family, and not only did I have the opportunity to spend time with beloved family members, but then I was given another—unexpected—gift…

My sister teaches a Sunday School class for young people, and as she was preparing for her next day’s lesson, she came to me with a question: “I want to speak to them about contentment, but I don’t know exactly how to explain what that means. How do you tell them about something that is probably only a vague notion for them?”

I was intrigued by this question, and I went off on my own to consider it for a while. I thought, “Well, “contentment” is quite a profound concept, and maybe a lot of adults don’t fully understand what it means. How does one put it into plain language so that even a child could comprehend it?”

I could see the possible context for dealing with this issue: these young people live in a materialistic culture with pressure from all sides to acquire more and more stuff, and reminders of contentment are few and far between. I also knew that deep discussions about contentment would probably not be going on in most households, and that it is the tendency of people—of all ages—to be more focused on what they don’t have as opposed to what they innately possess.

Normally when we hear the word “contentment,” we turn our attention to the things that are meant to bring contentment. These things are different for different people, but the list might start with an attractive and loving romantic partner, a beautiful home, satisfaction of desires, abundance, safety, security, material comfort, respect and acclaim. But the more I pondered my sister’s question, the more it became clear to me that there was evidence of contentment all around, but that it often went unrecognized because it did not necessarily have to do with any of those things.

I happen to know many people who have hardly any of the things that I have listed, who nevertheless have the obvious presence of contentment in their lives. What is it these people “have” that contents them, even if their contentment wasn’t in the having of anything?

What I see in these wonderful people is a vast openness to all experience, an enormous capacity for letting things be as they are. They are active, engaged, energetic, intelligent, skilled, joyous and serviceful, but at the same time they reside in a place of complete rest. The constant barrage of thoughts, emotions, sensations and experiences seems to be going on the same for them as for anyone else, but they are not carried away by the flow. Their attention is not on themselves and all of their personal concerns; rather, they maintain a profound interest in a place of great depth and peace that includes everyone and everything.

The key ingredient to this contentment seems to be the recognition of a place in themselves that has no place—an unchanging essence, a natural state, awareness, clarity, open intelligence, a place of peace—call it by whatever name. There is in them a moment by moment choice to return to that place of peace over and over, for short moments, again and again.

When distractions occur—and even if the distractions continue for a while—the choice is eventually made to return to that place of peace. They sustain themselves with reminders so that the choice is not obscured: they seek out community with this as the basis, they commit themselves to reaching out for support when needed and they refresh the commitment by reading, listening to and investigating unerring teachings that speak unwaveringly about what is true.


So, in the end, what would I want to tell those young people in the Sunday School class? I would want to stand before them and be able to say with the utmost confidence, “Dear ones, you have nothing to fear. Everything you need, you have. Naturally occurring wisdom and well-being that will never leave you come from acknowledging the truth within yourselves, for short moments, many times, until the acknowledgement becomes spontaneous and continuous.”

So, this was the gift I received: knowing that this is so for myself, knowing that it is true for others, and knowing that this simple truth can be communicated clearly and easily. This gift, this contentment, is our greatest possession.

The Teacher, Sometimes Appearing in the Form of a Person

There are those rare occasions in our lives when we are simply overwhelmed by something—an inspiring personality, a captivating phrase, song or speech, an insight that catapults us into another level of understanding—and we are lifted out of the merely familiar into an unanticipated realm of great joy, passion and vision.

This summer, in a retreat in which I was a participant, I was transported beyond my usual way of understanding things by a short quotation in a text that went something like this: “The teacher, sometimes appearing in the form of a person, is pure beneficial energy bestowing empowerment. There is a great treasury of inexhaustible benefit brought to life in the visible form of a teacher. The teacher is completely devoted to the student; the teacher is the ultimate friend, a guide to a realm of treasure which is available to all beings.”

There are many, many things to be said about this short quote, but I want to focus my attention on this one phrase: “the teacher, sometimes appearing as a person.” There are multitudes of teachings in those seven words. The first thing I can see is that EVERYTHING is a teacher. Every thought, emotion, sensation, experience, every sound, image, touch, taste, sense, every pleasure and every pain is a teacher.

I just have to repeat this, not just for those of you who are reading this but for me who is writing this: EVERYTHING is a teacher. That one recognition completely and totally changes our relationship to our experience. All of existence is summoning us in each moment. We are entirely flooded with the whole of universal experience in each here-and-now. So, what need is there to “be in the moment” or “be mindful” or “come back to our true self”?

“The teacher, sometimes appearing as a person” also points us to our own power. We do not need to give up the autonomy of our own experience to some authority figure; there is no powerful person who is going to make things all right for us; there is no guru sitting there who holds the knowledge and power we will never possess. Being as we are an integral part of this “everything,” we are ourselves the teacher sometimes appearing as a person.

Yet, at the same time, I do not want to forget the great gift of a visible teacher who appears, one who is the ultimate guide and friend, a person whose sole interest is our greatest benefit. The devotion that comes from such a relationship is unimaginably beautiful. There is only the purest of motivation for both teacher and student, and from that purity the greatest benevolence flows. How glorious it is to contemplate the possibility of “a treasury of inexhaustible benefit brought to life.” Wow, count me in! A friendship filled with devotion and care and service to all—where do I sign up!

And finally, what a joy to consider the boon that is this moment, right now. All the instruction that is needed is being provided, right now. This one recognition is life-transforming. The universal intelligence that fills every bit of space is ever available and accessible. We just open our eyes.

Drawing Water, Carrying Wood

Nothing to figure out, nowhere to proceed. No matrix to get out of. No assumptions to be overcome. No past to deal with. No one out there to blame. No interference from anywhere. No standards, no expectations, no hopes. Nothing to fear or avoid. No conclusions to make. Drawing water, carrying wood…the realm of the everyday; drawing water, carrying wood…the recognition of vast open intelligence; drawing water, carrying wood—the full expression of pure being, hidden amidst the commonplace. Wandering in the unknown without notion or goal, with no need to ask for directions, arrivals and departures evaporate. The magician draws back the curtain, smiles and says, “Ta da! Nothing there—had you fooled, didn’t I”? No end in sight. No cause for regret. Wonder is the only response.

Let Us Linger in the Lairs of Lovers

Let us gather together now and whisper enchanting notions to one another—enchanting notions that don’t come from our past or what we have taken ourselves to be, enchanting notions that aren’t from wanting to demonstrate or prove anything, enchanting notions that see no separation. Let us linger in the lairs of lovers and be ambushed by them there. Let them ply us full of their wine until we are satiated, and then let us drink some more. Ah, let us get drunk with this wine so sweet! It is an inebriation that the drunkard cannot know. We will stagger up to the rooftops and call out our invitations and make sure that all the unloved get the first summons to drink. We are so spellbound that our fears and expectations wander off like an untethered dog. We will arise and go now, and go to the abode loud with song, and we will remain there and smile gratefully at our abundance. No night will darken, no enemy intrude, no conflict issue forth. Oh, laughter so delightful, let us have more of it! 10,000 thanks that I should have even once dwelt there, and now it arrives over and over again unasked. May it flow, flow unceasingly that all may drink….